I grew up in a family that never really talked about feelings or expressing themselves that well.
Nothing was suppressed, it just wasn’t the done thing. Sounds strange now that I look back, but were most families not the same? Was yours?.
It not because my childhood was crazy, it was like any kid growing up in the early ’80s. Things were different. Men didn’t cry or show emotions, we were all like He-Man (but without the outfit).
My older siblings would rebel and push boundaries and therefore so would I and my younger sister would follow suit. It’s that rebellious side that’s stayed with us all from primary to secondary, even until now as adults.
Now I’m a husband and father, and still, I can’t help be spontaneous or slightly rebellious. It’s all the bottled up feelings and never fully knowing when and what to share.
Because of this, this idea of sharing your emotions, feelings, telling people if you’re struggling or unhappy isn’t hard-wired into my core.
Way back when I had a Bebo account (the early 00’s folks), most of my posts were light-hearted fun. Even to this day, it’s sporadic and random content I post on facebook. I’m never fully committed, don’t show my emotions, hide away and bottle it all up, and contain. Move on, then move on.
I’ve mastered the art of using humour. To the extent that people think I’m funny. My wife knows that if I get uncomfortable in emotional situations, then I start to laugh or crack jokes. It’s my defensive mechanism that helps me cope, to shield me from the real emotional me.
I still remember being around 16 when my Grandad died. I was heartbroken like anyone would be. Disappointingly I couldn’t let people in and see the real me. I had to become that man and put on the Teflon suit and keep going. Be the man and since then I’ve been that man. That vision of myself. I’ve had some hardship since (like anyone else), but whenever something comes up or happens, that person always takes over and then everything becomes calm.
So, the thought of sharing, baring my soul, opening up scares the hell out of me. I’ve come to realise I’m not that man, damn I cry at nearly any Disney movie. The movie ‘UP’, right at the start gets me every time. I remember being at the cinema with my 4-year-old daughter and I felt it coming. She simply said, ‘it’s okay daddy’. Bless.
Long story short, this all ties into a sub-conscious fear of blogging. Being active on social platforms posting videos, blogs, doing a podcast or anything then my imposter syndrome kicks in.
Sure I can help clients and advise them on how to act, carry themselves, do’s and don’ts, subjects to cover etc, etc.
You’re probably thinking so what already, get over it. And you’re right. I have these gremlins in my head. All fed after midnight, drenched in water and scary as hell… sorry childhood throwback to my youth.
Well until I make that personal leap, to go all in and commit, then I’m a fraud. I won’t grow as a person, grow my business, my life and move on. So I’m all in. That’s it, end of the story.
Let’s see what happen next.
Amazing Photo by Interactive Sports on Unsplash
The image sums up how hard it feels to get over the first one.
Apparently the more you do the easier it is.